UK cancels F-35 purchase

***April Fools’ Day is celebrated every year on the 1st of April by playing practical jokes and spreading hoaxes. The jokes and their victims are called April fools. People playing April Fool jokes expose their prank by shouting April Fool.

Some newspapers, magazines, and other published media report fake stories, this is one such story.***

Citing multiple issues, the United Kingdom have announced their intention to scrap plans to purchase F-35.

It has been revealed this morning that UK will now no longer be purchasing F-35B aircraft, putting many thousands of jobs and billions in revenue at risk. It is understood that the aircraft already purchased will be returned under Lockheed Martin. In November 2015, Chancellor George Osborne announced that the UK will order the full original total of 138 F-35 aircraft to equip the Royal Navy’s two new Queen Elizabeth-class aircraft carriers, this however has been reversed.

It has been confirmed that the carriers that would have hosted the F-35B will now feature catapults and deploy “modern Harriers, naval Typhoon or something”.

The Lockheed Martin F-35 is a family of stealth multirole fighters undergoing final development and testing by the United States and formerly the United Kingdom. The fifth generation combat aircraft is designed to perform ground attack and air defence missions.

The F-35 has three main models: the F-35A conventional takeoff and landing variant, the F-35B short take-off and vertical-landing variant and the F-35C carrier-based variant.

In light of this development we’ve spoken to experts. Bryan Robertson, defence analyst, had this to say:

“Waste of funds & Human Life! One correctly placed Smart-Bomb will see Today’s heap of steel turn into Tomorrows heap of Scrap! H.M.S. Hood took the Ultimate Killing Shell way back in WW2 DESPITE AIRCRAFT; No Smart-Bombs then, and the Germans sent the Flagship of the Royal Navy to the bottom, no problem! What Government ‘FOOL’ proposed this latest Folly? Who is paying him? WE ARE. Such vast vessels have no place in modern times. Time for the OLD Timers to Grow UP!! Have they not heard of the Internet?”

Excerpts from a leaked consultation document are extremely detailed in just what needs to be changed now that the F-35 has been canned. Asda based defence analyst, Michael Greene, has recommended the following:

“The MORONS at the government should order aircraft or we’ll end up with an AIRCRAFTLESScarrier.”

In response to this, the Ministry of Defence are now considering purchasing a fleet F-4 Phantoms, painting go faster stripes on the carrier hulls and additional crayon provision.