***April Fools’ Day is celebrated every year on the 1st of April by playing practical jokes and spreading hoaxes. The jokes and their victims are called April fools. People playing April Fool jokes expose their prank by shouting April Fool.

Some newspapers, magazines, and other published media report fake stories, this is one such story.***

Citing multiple issues, the United Kingdom have announced their intention to scrap plans to purchase F-35.

It has been revealed this morning that UK will now no longer be purchasing F-35B aircraft, putting many thousands of jobs and billions in revenue at risk. It is understood that the aircraft already purchased will be returned under Lockheed Martin. In November 2015, Chancellor George Osborne announced that the UK will order the full original total of 138 F-35 aircraft to equip the Royal Navy’s two new Queen Elizabeth-class aircraft carriers, this however has been reversed.

It has been confirmed that the carriers that would have hosted the F-35B will now feature catapults and deploy “modern Harriers, naval Typhoon or something”.

The Lockheed Martin F-35 is a family of stealth multirole fighters undergoing final development and testing by the United States and formerly the United Kingdom. The fifth generation combat aircraft is designed to perform ground attack and air defence missions.

The F-35 has three main models: the F-35A conventional takeoff and landing variant, the F-35B short take-off and vertical-landing variant and the F-35C carrier-based variant.

In light of this development we’ve spoken to experts. Bryan Robertson, defence analyst, had this to say:

“Waste of funds & Human Life! One correctly placed Smart-Bomb will see Today’s heap of steel turn into Tomorrows heap of Scrap! H.M.S. Hood took the Ultimate Killing Shell way back in WW2 DESPITE AIRCRAFT; No Smart-Bombs then, and the Germans sent the Flagship of the Royal Navy to the bottom, no problem! What Government ‘FOOL’ proposed this latest Folly? Who is paying him? WE ARE. Such vast vessels have no place in modern times. Time for the OLD Timers to Grow UP!! Have they not heard of the Internet?”

Excerpts from a leaked consultation document are extremely detailed in just what needs to be changed now that the F-35 has been canned. Asda based defence analyst, Michael Greene, has recommended the following:

“The MORONS at the government should order aircraft or we’ll end up with an AIRCRAFTLESScarrier.”

In response to this, the Ministry of Defence are now considering purchasing a fleet F-4 Phantoms, painting go faster stripes on the carrier hulls and additional crayon provision.

 

George Allison
George Allison
George has a degree in Cyber Security from Glasgow Caledonian University and has a keen interest in naval and cyber security matters and has appeared on national radio and television to discuss current events. George is on Twitter at @geoallison
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176 COMMENTS

  31. And happy April fools to you ? Bbmf aircraft should be used on the carriers , they won’t need catapults !?!

  53. Pierre Sprey is said to be over the moon. Quoted as saying “I was right! The designer of the F-16 and A-10 was right! Thrust to weight ratio, thrust to weight ratio, Turkey! Turkey!” before running out of the interview flailing his arms. Lockheed Martin has so far refused to comment.

  68. I’ve been browsing here for too long to fall for your evil little tricks sir!

    Be gone with you!

    And take your third aircraft carrier with you!

  72. Poor choice of subject matter here I’m afraid. With UK redundancies already happening because of the F-35 programme sliding to the right, leading with the headline that the UK has cancelled it’s order is somewhat reckless and distinctly unfunny.

  86. Evidently the French Navy is going to take over the cancelled order Admiral Poisson D’Avril announced earlier today.

    • BAE systems had designed a naval typhoon concept and the government tried to persuade India to purchase it but they never considered it for ourselves! I’ve tried to give the f35 as much chances possible but how on earth would it cope with with a Thrust vectoring sukhoi or mig? Even the f16 designer criticised it for its design and capabilities.

    • These days the quality of the weapons system has far more importance. If you end up in a dogfight in an F-35 you’ve screwed up. If there were export customers for a navalised Typhoon it’d be far cheaper than developing it solo. Outcome? Won’t happen.

      • Of course the F35 can fight and defend itself! All the anti F35 propaganda that gets posted on here is very tiresome. I suppose you the pilots of assorted nationalities that sing its praises are all liars Alex?

      • Because it was designed as a BVR fighter, able to pick off targets before the F35 is seen. I read an article some years ago about the F35 mixed with the Typhoon would be an outstanding team for both BVR and close-in encounters. Anyone know the current doctrine?

  97. Trouble with this joke is that it makes sense, it’s never too late to back out of a bad idea.Unfortunately no one will have the guts to make the desicion. Carriers will go the way of last Prince of Wales

    • So, on that basis Australia, Norway, Japan, Holland, Italy, Turkey, etc are all idiots for buying the F35 then Duncan! Maybe you should get in touch with them all and let them know what you think – I’m sure that they’d be very grateful for your wisdom….

  111. ‘Asda based defence analyst, Michael Greene’
    That’s 100 hundred percent wrong, Greene was co-opted by German geopolitical institute ALDI (Brussels branch) last year where it is rumoured he formulated the German-Turkey deal to boost the Turkish economy by swapping 1 million high-earning but ungrateful, moanbag EU citizens with 2 million low-paid but eager foreign workers.

  116. What an opportunity to BRING BACK THE VULCAN! Might be tricky to get it off the deck of a carrier though, not to mention landing it back on again!! 😉

  118. good april fools,as today the defence secretary announced the increase in budget today nearly had a giggle.

  120. I know that it was a joke, but never the less it highlights just how much we are invested in the F35b. If we were forced to pull out of the partnership for any reason, then there really isn’t any other options out there for our carriers, short of spending a lot of money and converting them into cat/trap as they should have been in the first place.

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